"The air was continuously alive with gay synthetic melodies"

Whenever I come back from Glasgow I always feel (and look) like I've been raped in the face with a bus. I've been back about 3 or 4 days and only now do I have the strength to type out any sort of coherent shite.

So yeah - Animal Collective in Glasgow was a laugh riot, they were really fucking good and odd and good. Pick up their new album if you like, I won't fucking bother. I went to see my current favourite band 65daysofstatic on Wednesday night, and spent a fuckton of the Queen's pounds on merchandise. Christ, I've probably got a 65daysofstatic toothbrush kicking around somewhere. They rocked the fuck out of the place for what felt like an hour and half (it may have been a wee bit longer or shorter, 'twas hard to tell), playing pretty much everything off their first album and some great stuff from the new album.

On Thursday I went to the NFT to a thing called Antenna, where they show new music videos. Who was on the panel? None other than Spike Motherfuckin' Jonze. Jesus Christ. He was a bit nervous and shit, I think he must be terrified of people, but he came across as a likeable, talented guy and he provided the people questioning him with nice wee anecdotes as answers to their questions. Garth Jennings (part of Hammer & Tongs) was there, too, and he was one funny fuck - he looked incredibly comfortable up there on stage, witty bastard. In addition to the star studded Q&A, they showed some awesome new videos, the highlights being Tiga's new one, and one from Venetian Snares' new album. The track itself was a sub-par orchestral Squarepusher rip-off (I'm not that keen on the album...as a whole), but it was saved by a moody, inventive and downright crafty video. Shit, have I just badmouthed my hero on national internet?

As a companion piece to my Amazon list, "CDs I Lost When I Went Back To Glasgow And Got Drunk", I've just knocked this bad boy up:

"DVDs I lost when I went back to Glasgow when I went back to Glasgow and got drunk"

Yes kids, that's right - my idiot tax is increasing. Bye for now

Welcome to the afterfuture

I was standing there, in the toilets of the moving train, handrail in one hand, cock in the other, trying desperately not to get piss all up and down myself, when it came to me - Sprayvy! Aerosol gravy. I swear to fuck it could revolutionise the food service industry. I want to be known as the "Aerosol Gravy Magnate", how cool would that be?

On to more pressing matters. I'm back in Glasgow, and I got tattoo number 3 today. Fuck me gently with a chiansaw, it is badass. I would furnish you all with a photo, but I forgot my digital camera, and it's still a little raw and I canny get a decent photograph of it with my phone. Also, I was away seeing Japanese darlings Afrirampo last night. Christ they know how to rock. I really must get everything they've ever done.

I'll leave you with this poem, about the joys of seducing a ferret:

Oh handsome ferret with your eyes so blue
That watch me dance in front of you
Lying, supine, on your back
You watch me head to the red wine rack
With Beaujolais, I dash back quick
And out, you've got, your ferret dick

I think we'll leave that one right there.

"Okay, I need one each of the following tapes"

• Whispers In The Wind
• To Each His Own
• Put It Where It Doesn't Belong
• My Pipes Need Cleaning
• All Tit-Fucking : Volume 8
• I Need Your Cock
• Ass-Worshipping Rim-Jobbers
• My Cunt Needs Shafts
• Cum Clean
• Cum-Gargling Naked Sluts
• Cum Buns 3
• Cumming In Socks
• Cum On Eileen
• Huge Black Cocks With Pearly White Come
• Girls Who Crave Cock
• Girls Who Crave Cunt
• Men Alone 2 : The KY Connection
• Pink Pussy Lips
• All Holes Filled With Hard Cocks
• Happy Scrappy Hero Pup
  

Mistaken Tourist

Just out of curiosity (and also to satisfy my planet sized ego) I signed up to one of those sites that track visitors to your blog/website/hilarious toast eBay auction. Fuck me, over the past few weeks I've realised - there are actually people that read this shit on a (semi) regular basis. More than I would ever have guessed.

I'd like to give a big shout to the lone guy from Vietnam who checks it every week, and the sick fucking bastard who got here via a referral from some search engine while looking for "gay pictures of Optimus Prime". You, sir, are a class act.

I pretty much just got pissed off my fucking arse for my birthday. Drunk Marc was in full effect. And I didn't get many presents at all. Being 25 sucks almost as much as this lame ass blog entry.

Back to Glasgow on Tuesday. Hopefully I'll have something humourous to say then. Maybe I can punch a nun in the cunt on the train up, or something. I'm sure that'd get a few hits from Google.

Oiseau mort

Hey fuckheads, how's things? God almighty, there is something wrong with me, I swear to fuck. Almost 25, and now, now of all fucking times, a wisdom tooth decides it's going to start putting in an appearance. What the hell?

Anyways - I've managed to pull my shit together to actually get a ticket to see Squarepusher, so that's one out of the list of many that I'll definately be going to. Whoop-de-fucking-do. God, I hope he steers clear of playing anything off Ultravisitor. Also in keeping with the 'got my shit together' theme, I've pretty much finished designing the new tattoo I want for my birthday. Don't worry - you'll see it when it's fucking done. Christ you're impatient.

Right, onto the point of this update ('cos these updates always have some awesome purpose) - I've been seeing an awful lot of dead pigeons kicking around the pavements of London recently, so I did what any self respecting halfwit would do; I started documenting them with my phone camera. This is the first one I took, the day John Peel died:



The quality isn't too hot, but I'll make up for that by showing you my favourite one so far:





If you click on that picture, you can have a higher resolution copy of it. Though, why in the fuck you'd want that I don't know. You sick fucking bastard. Do you think he died of lung cancer? Maybe that's the last pack of fags he ever smoked, sitting right there next to him. Will the tobacco companies stop at nothing?

If I get anymore good pictures of dead pigeons, you'll be the first to know.