Aaron had a rough and troubled childhood, fending for himself amongst his father’s reptiles, battling the poisonous creatures for morsels and scraps to eat, and sleeping with one eye open. It was here, at a young age, that he learned an appreciation for the power of music; he would sing the fanged bastards to sleep in order to steal their food and milk their fangs. This milking went on for many years until Aaron was confident he had enough. As his father came in one day with the usual offering of lifeless rats and mice Aaron pounced, forcing him to the ground and pouring the toxic venom down his throat. At aged 7, he made good his escape. But not before liberating his father’s wallet from his jacket pocket.Arriving on a Greyhound bus in Cottonwood, California in the summer of 1984, with his heart full of hope and his stomach full of something other than rodent flesh, he fell in with a group of Bavarian gypsies who ran a travelling circus. He spent his days learning the ways of the acrobat, and his nights increasing his musical knowledge through the folk songs of his new 'family'. Aaron became more and more confident in his abilities and decided he would make it his life's work to garner fame and riches, and one day rid the world of snakes, much like Saint Patrick did in Ireland, all those years ago. Knowing full well Bavarian troubadouring and snake-charming lullabies wouldn't be sufficient for world domination; he built his first synthesizer from a broken Sinclair Spectrum, bits from an old Ford Model T and some corrugated iron, at age 14. It was with this unwieldy piece of machinery that he shaped his first album, 'Jack Rabbit Ham-fistedness and It's Effect on the Third Trimester of Unwanted Pregnancies'. It contained only 2 compositions, one of them being a 70 year old man intoning the word 'brass' over and over again for 50 minutes, with a looped beat from an old Nina Simone song in the background, and the other being Joy Division's 'Love Will Tear Us Apart' played backwards. Kerrang called it 'A truly groundbreaking album, best listened to at the lowest perceivable volume while eating an artic roll', whilst NME described it as 'The future of rock and roll' and awarded it a prestigious '5-Stars'.
The success of this debut album made Aaron a multi billionaire at the age of 16, so he shelved his promising music career to become a Pirate Kiss-o-gram. He believed that this job would give him the mental clarity he would need to formulate the 'Snake Apocalypse' he desired so much.
His life continued on quite comfortably for just over a year, but a string of unwise investments in anti-snake hammers and a catastrophic addiction to plantains swallowed up the vast majority of his fortune and forced him into hiding just days before his 18th birthday.Nothing much was heard from Funk until, late in 1999 he re-emerged, now calling himself Venetian Snares. His first release under the new moniker was the 12" 'Greg Hates Car Culture', which caused massive ructions in the burgeoning electronic music scene. A breakcore and gabber monster, NME described it as 'The future of rock and roll' and awarded it '5-Stars', whilst the Wire devoted 18 pages to it, each painstakingly written out in hieroglyphics using the blood of Seb Coe. This would just be the first of many groundbreaking and genre-defining works Venetian Snares would release, and was a call to arms for an ever changing and exciting electronic music scene.
Fifteen Interesting facts about Aaron Funk
-He is composed entirely of heavy photons. If you get close enough, you can hear the plasma his body is comprised of, vibrating
-He has a 17 year old lactose intolerant cat named Trevor
-In Minsk there is a fifty-foot tall glass statue of him, which dominates the city's main square. At midday on the vernal and autumnal equinoxes the sunlight is focused through the statue onto a point no larger than the head of a pin. Every year the mayor lights a cigar using this focussed light, which is then passed around the fathers of any babies born on that day
-He discovered Tungsten and Molybedenum
-He has guest starred in 57 episodes of the Simpsons, but has only ever had one line. It was 'You wanna go faster? I call disaster'
-He is an avid breeder of geese and swans
-Twice a year he visits the concrete encased reactors at Chernobyl. He writes profane limericks on the walls using pink lipstick
-He has a base on the moon where he is constructing a giant laser, which he plans to use to carve his initials into the polar ice caps
-He has a coat made entirely from the bee's fur. It took a crack team of blind lepers in Cambodia 5 years to make it
-There is a room in each of his mansions where he houses his vast collection of out-of-date, unopened Ambrosia Creamed Rice cans
-He is afflicted with Picquerism, which he satisfies by poking girls with French bread in the queues at Tescos, then running to his car to masturbate furiously
-His favourite film is Shallow Grave, and he one day hopes to marry Christopher 'Dr Who' Eccleston
-He does not believe in the second law of thermodynamics and was once charged with attempted murder for beating a man to within an inch of his life for even mentioning the name 'Carnot'
-He has a horse called John, but refuses to ride her, as he is scared of being kicked in the face whilst putting the saddle on her back. This is due to a childhood phobia of the board game 'Buckaroo'
-His favourite food is pâté made from the hearts of baby starlings, suffocated en masse in giant Hessian sacks
Venetian Snares new album 'Rossz Csillag Allat Szuletett' is available now from good record shops
Live MP3s can be downloaded from VSnares.com
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