You know what it's like, you're rushing out to meet someone, just about to cross the threshold and leave the house, when you realise you have no shoes on. So, you throw on your favourite trainers, tie the laces, then bound out the front door like a giddy schoolchild. It's only when you're halfway down to the train station that you realise something ain't right. Your feet don't feel symmetrical, with every step you feel a nagging unease. Fuck - one of the laces is tighter than the other. You stop, loosen off the shoe then re-tie it. A few steps later you it's becoming apparent you've made things worse. Try as hard as you can, but no amount of tweaking or fine tuning can get both your shoes in sync, and it'll be smouldering away at the back of your mind for as long as have the shoes on, cutting into your soul like a big sharp thing.
Shoelace Tension Discrepancy (STenD), folks - that's what's happening here. It's been the scourge of humanity since primitive man first invented mammoth skin shoes. Wars have been started because of it (Hitler was a chronic sufferer), husbands have murdered wives and children over it (the infamous 'Mammett Sneaker Murders' in Wisconsin in 1977) and it almost caused a fatal error in judgement during the 1969 moon landing. Looking at this graph:
...we see that not only is STenD becoming more common over the years (as society's attention span becomes so degraded, few people can tie their shoelaces properly first time), but that the instances of it are becoming far more devastating for sufferers. Since 1998 'Lace Rage' has risen by 38%; UK businesses are losing over 16 million working days a year due to employees constantly fiddling with their laces; children's development is suffering because of their increased irritation when learning to tie their laces. If something isn't done soon, the human race is well and truly fucked.
But what can we do? There are several schools of thought on the matter, here I'll show you 3 of the most popular:
1.Velcro - velcro suffers from similar problems to laces, but these can be remedied far more easily due to the nature of the 'hook & eye' mechanism. The downside? Most velcro shoes look like a pile of shite.
2.Leave the laces tied all the time - this is the most popular approach. Unfortunately it can lead to the inside back of the trainer getting fucked up, due to the strain put on it when moving the foot in and out of the shoe.
3.Alcohol - this is my preferred method. When you go out, if you notice you are suffering from STenD, get yourself to the pub for a few pints. Soon you'll barely even notice you're wearing shoes, never mind that there's a problem with them.
Hopefully you have found this information useful, and if you're one of the 3 billion people worldwide who suffer in silence from STenD, you'll know you're not alone. Far from it.
With a little understanding, together we can beat this menace.
Doctor Marc'o van Bastard SCD, ESS
Professor of Lace Mechanics and Aglets, Clydebank University
2 comments:
I read your thoughts on the menace that is STD. Having recently bought a new pair of trainers i have had recent events that have nearly ended in STenD.
My tips to avoid STenD are -
1. It's all in the threading.
2. Don't tie the laces. Now, before you fall over in shock heres a tip - if your trainers have them,thread the lace back through the thick elastic bit that is inside the shoe (around the arch area) a few times, and if possible remove insole, place lace ends there and replace. i find this works. If no elastic thing, some discreet threading through is required via trial and error.
3 - this is the last resort. wear slip ons. Vans slip ons are ok but still have an air of gayness about them, but those ones you can get out of the Sunday papers (Shoes for Life!! only £9.99) should be avoided at all costs.
Some quality suggestions there....the Professor still prefers the 'alcohol solution', though.
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